Say WHAT?
by Cat In My Fridge
Summary: Light x L. L knows something about Light. Now if only Light knew what it was... Rated M for language and sexual innuendo. Because we all love that, don't we?


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****Author's Notes: **Hello everyone! You may have read some of my other Death Note fics, but this is my first addition to the Light x L empire. I must admit that, although Light x L is undoubtedly my OTP, I have shyed away from this pairing for ages - I just felt like there wasn't really anything original to say about them and thus focused on more unorthodox pairing. This plot bunny, however, whacked me over the head and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it - so here it is. My first fic about one of the most deliciously angsty yaoi pairing in anime history.

First off, it's rather cracky and light-hearted. If you want angst and an intelligent tale, look elsewhere ;). Light is a bit OOC, but then this fic isn't meant to be taken too seriously... I still hope you enjoy!

**Rating:** M for language and sexual innuendo.

**Disclaimer:** not mine. (insert funny comment about what I'd do if it was)

* * *

**Say WHAT?**

**A Light x L One-Shot**

* * *

The first time he said it was on an otherwise unremarkable day at the Kira Investigation HQ on a Monday morning.

Light was in a bad mood that day, but that in itself was hardly out of the ordinary. After all, being chained to L was sort of like waltzing around in a mine field; Light could never tell when he'd next jump him and demand he go join him for a midnight snack in the kitchen or when he'd next insist on stripping right in front of Light and take his sweet time running soap over his body in the shower while Light had no other choice but flex his eyes upon the ceiling and pray to whatever godly deity was in vicinity that he'd either hurry the fuck up or slip and break his neck already.

Light couldn't help but think that if he didn't know that L was a genius, he would seriously consider the guy a madman. Quite possibly, he wouldn't even be a hundred percent convinced the bastard was even _human_ if he hadn't watched the guy roast Matsuda under a molten lava glare as the hapless police man had accidentally spilled water over his cake. Light had to grudgingly admit that if you loved something _that much_, even if it was slobs of empty calories, you just _had _to be human.

Not that L qualifying for membership of the human race helped Light in any way, shape or form when trying to deal with the eccentric detective on a daily (and _nightly_) basis.

On that particular Monday morning, Light was in the middle of explaining a theory of his to Matsuda, who was nodding busily while the dullness in his eyes made it clear that whatever words Light ushered into one of his ears blazed through his brain like lasers and shot right out of the other. So, Light was in a pretty bad mood, all right - but seeing as how the act of moping was one Light linked only to petulant children and adults whose IQ was no greater than their shoe size, Light was understandably unimpressed when L swiveled around on his chair and chose right this moment to start what would in time change the laws of the universe as Light had known it.

"You're moping," L stated in a 'the sky is blue and orgasms are nice' kind of way. "It's not like you, Light-kun." He paused, thinking - or maybe he did it for dramatic effect because they'd _really_ been missing drama lately. "If I didn't already know the root of your problem, I'd consider raising your possibility of being Kira by 0.3%."

Light did the only thing an intelligent human being could do in such a situation - he blinked. "Ex_cuse_ me?"

"It's interesting," L went on, bulldozing all over Light's question. He slipped his thumb between his lips and started gnawing on it with a look of concentration sprawled all over his face. "Displaying a delayed reaction is not what I would have expected from you."

Light shook his head. "I'm not following, Ryuzaki."

L's eyes, which had rolled upward flexed upon Light and nervousness trickled the teen's spine as he noticed that his eyes sparked with subdued excitement, that his mouth was curled into a faint smirk and...

Was that _glee_ on his face?!

"Oh yes, of course," L said, nodding thoughtfully, "I suppose you would not welcome me discussing this in front of... company." He nodded to Matsuda, who was visibly wavering between bewilderment and being scared out of his mortal mind.

Light was looking at L with the expression of an ordinary school child trying to determine the root of pi in their head. "Ryuuzaki," he tried to reason, "Just what on earth are you talking about?"

L's eyes seemed to dance as he settled for muttering, in a tone the closest to gossiping housewives L would ever get, "I know your secret, Light-kun."

Light made a face. "What?"

"I _know_," L repeated. Then he sighed, turning back to his computer and starting to type away without another spare glance for Light. "It's not like it's anything to be ashamed of, anyway, as long as it doesn't interfere with our investigation, and..." L paused, thumb flying back to his mouth, thinking for a moment. "No, I suppose it won't be detrimental to the investigation. Worry not, Light-kun."

"No, wait a minute, Ryuzaki," Light demanded, bewilderment trickling into his voice. "It's just because of... you and -"

"There is no need to explain to me, Light-kun," L almost sing-songed. "I already know."

* * *

The second time L said it, he did it after politely requesting for Light to join him on his way to the bathroom, which in an of itself, was nothing unusual (L did seem to have the bodily functions of a normal human. Light had learned on numerous, joyful occasions). What was slightly less ordinary was the way L looked at him (was that a _twitch_ around his eyes?) and what decidedly crossed the line to insanity was the way L put his hand on Light's arm.

Light glared at the spindly hand wrapped around his underarm. "What now, Ryuzaki?"

"Light-kun," L said, his eyes like twin knives. "I _know_."

Light rubbed the bridge of his nose, silently entering another doomed to failure negotiation with his blood pressure.

"_Look_," Light tried to reason. "It's been a hectic day at work. Could you please start making sense?"

L leaned forward, his sweet breath sweeping over Light's face as he muttered, "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Light."

"Right," Light retorted, rolling his eyes. "Now would you please tell me what that thing you know about me _is_?"

L only chuckled - yes, _chuckled_, and Light had thought that the day he'd ever use that particular word to describe one of L's laughs would be the day he'd sprout wings and soar through the Tokyo nights - and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him with the chain neatly tucked underneath the door and while Light was listening to the soft sound of the water running, he for the very first time wished he really _was_ Kira.

* * *

The third L said it, he finally suspected it. And as it often came with suspicions, particularly of the terrifying kind, it didn't trickle in slowly but whacked him over the face with all the force of a spiky sledge hammer and left him in enough of a daze for his voice box to momentarily forget that it was capable of making noises other than stuttering nonsense.

"You... you... you couldn't possibly _mean..._!" Light gasped, fists clenching while he stared into that sneering face. "No... you _couldn't_!"

L just shrugged his shoulders in that unnerving way and when he walked away, he came the closest to skipping across the floor like a child that Light was sure he'd ever see him. Or had ever _wanted_ to see.

* * *

The fourth time he said it, it happened.

Light was huddled on the bed, watching a diligently typing L out of eyes that could barely be kept open as drowsiness was tugging at his consciousness. Painfully torn between choosing which was the lesser evil - actually _asking_ L to come to bed or letting the detective watch him fall asleep with his eyes open - his mind, at first, was too dazed to really understand what the other was saying.

"- you like this," L finished, shoveling cake into his mouth as though the manufacturers had decided to stop making them come tomorrow.

"What?" Light mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. "Say that again?"

L turned around; the dark eyes flexed upon Light's face sent a chill scuttling down his spine. "I said," L repeated tonelessly, "That I hadn't actually envisioned you to ever mope quite this badly about trivialities and that I never thought I'd see you like this, Light-kun."

"What?" Light forced his eyes wide open and stifled a yawn. "I'm tired. Not moping." Light adjusted his position on the bed, pinching his cheeks to wake himself up.

He soon found out that he hadn't really needed to do that - what L said next had the effect of a gallon of ice water being emptied over his head.

"I didn't think that sexuality intimidated you so, Light-kun," he drawled.

Light bolted up. "_What?_"

L took all the time in the world to save whatever file he'd been working on, slip a thumb between his teeth and slowly turn around to Light to regard him out of eyes so bored and to-the-point that it would have been more befitting of him to be discussing the mating behavior of amazon lilies rather than Light's sex life. "I'm about 90% certain that there is nothing wrong with Light-kun's hearing and therefore deduce that you have understood me all too well."

A torrent of thoughts broke loose in Light's mind, quickening his heart rate. He..? How did he? He couldn't...! It was impossible! Why? He...!

No, he couldn't. After all, Light had always sworn himself that the day anyone ever found out about _that_ would be the day they found his suppuku'd corpse in an alley dumpster. It. Just. _Couldn't_. Be.

"W-Wait a minute, Ryuzaki!" Light pressed out, sweat breaking out. "I think you're misunderstanding something -"

"Oh? Is that so, Light-kun?" L asked, cocking his head as though he was a bird. "I'm pretty sure that the day you and Misa -"

Shock was a hard ball in Light's stomach. "_How the hell do you know about that_?" he spluttered.

L shrugged. "The place is chipped, you know. Really, Light, I didn't expect you to -"

"I can't believe you've been spying on me!" Light barbed. "Have you never heard of _privacy_?"

"But, Light-kun, you're a suspect -"

L was cut off as Light stalked over to him and seized him by his shirt. He barely had time to register the expression on L's face - oh yeah, you're surprised now, aren't you? - before he yanked him towards him until their noses were almost touching and all of his vision was taken up by an impenetrable sea of blackness. "What are you talking about, Ryuzaki?" he seethed.

L looked quite nonplussed - or as nonplussed as anyone managed to look when having someone else practically jumping into their face. "Light-kun, I must point out that this violently irrational behavior you're currently displaying raises the percentage by approximately 3%."

"Screw your percentages!" Light hissed. _My life! My reputation!_ _It's all being ruined and all you bastard care about is fucking __**percentages**__?_ But before Light got the chance to kindly advise the detective to shove his percentage into where the sun never shone, the detective managed to wriggle himself out of the younger man's grasp and take a few steps backward, faint amusement dusted over his face.

Light readied himself to lunge at the detective again, while L brought more distance between them. "Light-kun, I do not appreciate being asphyxiated."

_Right,_ a voice of reason managed to tear through the haze of madness at the back of Light's head. _Calm. Control. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe_ - fuck, where was he? Oh, right._ In. Out. In. Out._

"You seem distressed," L remarked.

"I see how it takes being the world's best three detective to figure_ that_ one out."

"You could really handle this more maturely, Light-kun. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Any shallow study of biology will reveal that -"

"_Will you shut up_?" Light screeched, hating himself for the desperate tone in his voice. Then he collected himself long enough for his voice to steady. "You- you must be bluffing. There's no way you could - no, you're toying with me, aren't you, Ryuzaki? I mean, _it wasn't even at the HQ_!"

L just shrugged. "I see this is going to be difficult to settle, Light-kun. Perhaps you would care to listen to some evidence?"

"E-Evidence?"

"Indeed, Light-kun."

Light shook his head and grit his teeth. "There's no way there's any _evidence_, Ryuzaki." He had to pause after saying this, feeling that his nerves were stretched to nearly breaking point. Almost, just a little more, just another push, just the tiniest -

"But I have some. If you'd care to listen I -"

Rage snot through Light's body like a scorching arrow. Eyes opened wide and sparkling, cheeks flushed an angry pink and voice high-pitched with desperation, Light yelled, "How the hell did you find out I was _gay_?!"

L blinked.

Light blinked back.

L was giving him his _insufficient data, cannot compute_ look. Then he shook his head and finally managed, "What?"

Light's eyes widened. "Oh, _fuck_."

"What?" L repeated, and if Light hadn't been on the edge of hyperventilating, he would have found it amusing how much dangerously close to _croaking_ that had sounded.

"Oh...my..." stuttered the once-calm-and-collected (now not-so-calm-and-collected) Light. "....Fucking..."

"L-Light-kun," L began, doing a much better job at collecting himself. "I didn't -"

That did it; a torrent of words was unleashed. "What didn't you? You're enjoying this, aren't you? You just made me confess in front of you and you're getting a kick out of this, aren't you?_ Aren't you_?"

"No, I -"

"And what will my parents think! And Sayu! I mean, me! Gay! I'm not _supposed_ to be gay!"

"No, Light-kun. I mean, yes, Light-kun, but this isn't -"

"And you made me do this. It's always because of you! You, you want to see me dead, don't you?"

"We have a -"

"What? A _gay_ honors student who is perfect in every other way? Yes, we do! And it's all because of _you_, you undead-looking _little _-"

"Will you take a_ look_ at this, Light-kun?!"

It actually took Light a full three seconds to realize that a silver device was dangling in front of his nose, swaying daintily in the air as though the pocket watch of doom come to count down the precious few seconds of anything resembling reputation and dignity he had left. "What is _that_?" he finally managed to croak, eyes narrowing. "If this is one of your games, Ryuzaki -"

He was cut off again - by his own voice this time. _"Oh, damn.... I can't do this is if I can't see myself in a mirror."_

Light's eyes darted back to L's face, speechless._ "Oh, let Misa-Misa help!" _was Misa's sing-song reply_, _even more nerve-wrecking on tape than it had been in real life._ "I'm an expert in solving these kinds of problems!"_

_"Get your hands off - ouch!" _His own voice exclaimed, then hissed_, "All right, fine. Suit yourself. Help me do this, then, but hurry up!"_

Light's eyes widened.

_"Yay! Misa-Misa will help... but Light. Where is it? I can't find it! It's too small!"_

Realization whacked him over the head.

_"Yes, I know, it's tiny. I can't always find it, either. Look harder, Misa. It's there. Somewhere."_

_"Ohh, Light," _Misa exclaimed, giggling. _"I really can't see it. I've never touched something like this before. Oh! There it is, Misa-Misa found it!"_

Light couldn't count the many, many different ways L was going to hell for this.

_"Now help me get it - ouch! Hey, watch out! It's sensitive! That hurt!"_

He couldn't decide which was worse - the recording, or the smug expression on that bastard's face. Or, for that matter, for which he was going to kill him more.

_"Oh, sorry!"_ Misa squealed._ "Oh, it's all squishy. It's all pink and wet! How cute!"_

_"Just hurry up already, I don't have all day! L expects me back inside in a few minutes!"_

_"You can't hurry a good thing, Light," _Misa chided,giggling underneath her breath._ "Oh. It's all soft."_

_"Yeah, I couldn't get the hard one."_

This couldn't be happening, could it? _Could it_? "L..." Light growled. "L, do you know..."

"Yes?" L replied pleasantly, cutting off Misa in mid-sentence as he shut the voice recorder.

It was without warning that he tackled the detective in a full-body slam, reeling them both off balance and sending them crashing onto the floor. As soon as they had landed - Light noting with glee that L's head had banged against the floor upon impact - he seized the other man by this white shirtand screamed,"_She was trying to get out my goddamn contact lenses, you idio_t!"

**  
**The seconds ticked past. Light glared at L and L looked at Light and between the two of them, the tension was so thick it could have been cut with a knife.

"Oh," L finally settled on saying.

Light groaned. "Do you have any idea what you just did to me? Do you have.. any clue... at all.... _what you just did_? To you know that I'm going to spend the next couple of years looking for the pieces of my soul you just compromised? For a voice recording about _contact lenses_?"

He was too lost in his madness even to appreciate the look of horror on L's face. "Light-kun, I'm -"

"Sorry?" Light seethed, gnashing their noses together in a raw display of fury. "Oh, that doesn't even begin to cover it - more like -"

He saw the black pools of L's narrowing as his voice hardened. "That is _not_ what I was going to say, Light-kun." He punched down Light's hands and pushed him away so that Light settled on his knees. If Light hadn't been lost to the pit of despair, he would likely have found the fact that he was straddling L somewhat distracting.

Swept up by a wave of embarrassment, Light just started to tug at his hair. "I just... oh God, I..." he dropped his hands in resignation. "Oh, _God_."

The way L was regarding him was entirely too calm. "I'd say being gay is preferable to being Kira."

"Don't!" Light held up on hand while burying his face in the palm of the other one, "_Say_ that word!"

L rolled his eyes. "Shall we give it a code word, then? The g-thing? Or is that too obvious for you, Light-kun? Perhaps you would prefer something more the lines of ... SCA, perhaps."

"What?" Light spat hatefully, tearing his face away from his palm and glaring at the detective. "Sucks Cock and Ass?"

"I was going to go for Sexually Confused As-is state," L replied tonelessly, "But if you'd prefer, I suppose Sucks Cock and -"

Was it possible to get skull-splitting headaches from frustration? "If you don't shut up right _this instant_," Light warned in a dangerously low tone, "I swear you'll regret it in _some_ way."

Something on L's face moved. "All right, Light-kun. Although if I may remind you, it was you who suggested-"

"Right. This. _Instant_," Light warned.

"Of course, Light-kun." L shrugged his shoulders. When the most evil of all smirks Light had ever had to witness on L's face crawled onto his features, Light could practically see the cloud of doom gathering over their heads. The bastard couldn't leave well enough alone, could he? "Homosexuality really isn't supposed to be an issue these days, though."

And that was it. That was the comment that pushed Light over the edge.

Hot rage pierced his body like a fiery lance and sound of his nerves snapping was audible in his own ears. He was just about ready to launch at the detective and beat him until he only very vaguely resembled a human being when -

Inspiration sparked in Light's brain, who was suddenly very aware of the fact that were both still very much sprawled on the floor. He took a moment to compose himself, staring down into L's onyx eyes, sly smile curling his lips as confidence channeled itself back into his body. "Oh, yeah?" Light asked, voice dropping to an intimate level, "Say... you wouldn't mind if _you_ were gay?"

L's brows furrowed, but the way his mouth hung open just a little betrayed his nervousness. "I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to suggest with that question," L responded, voice even, "but no, I suppose I wouldn't. I'm partial to the theory of homosexuality being genetic and thus largely irrepressible."

"_Irrepressible_, you say?" Light repeated, a smile curling his lips as he brought his head closer to L until the scent of cake and other sweets rushed into his nose. He brought his lips closer to L's and oh, if those eyes didn't widen ever so deliciously! "Really?" Light muttered huskily, blowing his breath over L's lips. "You think _we_ just can't control ourselves, don't you?"

He could hear L's breath quickening as much he could feel it. "Light-kun, what is your intention?"

"Why are you asking?" Light drawled, letting his hands travel down over the cotton of L's shirt, coming to rest on the plane of his flat stomach while he leaned in. One of Light hands caressed L's smooth cheeks, moving upward and tangling it in the web of his silky hair.

L's expression darkened and Light couldn't tell whether he was on the verge of a scowl or a smirk. "Light-kun," he said languidly, "Whatever you are, I - _nng_!"

Light wouldn't ever had admitted to it, but the idea of kissing L had passed his mind on more than one occasion. Seeing as how the detective's looks stirred up memories of bad horror movies Light had had to watch in his youth, Light had almost wondered whether he would find his lips to be cold as ice, his tongue hard and unforgiving, the insides of his mouth as frozen as the snowy tone of his skin.

When he actually did kiss him, he felt that kissing L's mouth was as warm as anyone else's and when the black-haired man froze and went completely rigid under Light's mouth, he couldn't suppress a dark smirk. Opening his mouth against L's, Light's experienced tongue darted out, lapping at the soft and warm lips that hung open in a combination of shock and surprise.

Light swallowed the muffled gasp, then pierced the protesting scream as he plunged his tongue into the detective's opened mouth. Too stunned to react, L's noises of protest soon died down and though he did not reciprocate, he allowed Light's tongue to explore his mouth with what would have come off as indifference if it hadn't been for the shudders Light could feel racing through his body betraying his excitement.

It was ironic, really, how L's mouth tasted of all things sweet and pure when the man himself was the stark opposite of it.

The grin Light smiled around L's lips was dark but the tongue with which he lapped at L's was loving and skilled. He ran his tongue along L's velvety cheeks, then over the rigged surface of his teeth, before once again inviting the immobile tongue to join him in his dance.

After a little while - it couldn't have lasted longer than a minute, although to Light it had seemed much longer - he finally broke the kiss, placing a few more chaste kisses on L's supple lips before drawing his head back. More emotions were flitting over L's face than could be deciphered as their eyes met - and sweet joy bled into Light's bloodstream as he saw that L looked perhaps the youngest he'd ever seen him. His eyes were widened so that his eyes were like black clouds hanging in a white sky and just the faintest color dusted his cheeks and nose.

The tension was so thick Light wouldn't at all have been surprised if one of them had choked on it. L licked his lips, then broke the silence. "What inspired this?" he asked, his voice almost giving up on him; Light just continued to smile, letting his eyes dart downward, then up again, fusing their eyes together once more.

L seemed perplexed. "What?" He looked down at the length at his own body. "...Oh," he breathed. "_Oh_."

It took all of Light's might not to break into laughter at the sight of the detective's dismay.

"Now we're even**, **L," Light breathed, cupping the detective's cheek. "You know my secret... and I'm pretty sure I know yours as well now." He dropped his hand, flirtatiousness drained. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm tired. See you in the morning."

With that, he unceremoniously got up from the floor and walked over to the bed, noting with satisfaction that the chain was just long enough to allow him to recline on the bed without it biting into his wrist. He turned to his side and closed his eyes, heart racing inside his chest and satisfied grin on his features as he stumbled toward the embrace of sleep.

**The End.**

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**AN:**Review, you know you wanna! :D

Till next time~!


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